Divorcing a Narcissist

Divorcing the narcissistThere is a great book by Wendy T. Behary, LCSW titled; Disarming the Narcissist.  This book will help when divorcing the narcissist.

In her book she points out Four Most common Masks and how to deal with them. Dealing with this personality is essential to survival and protect yourself from feeling crazy, bad about yourself, and maintaining a sense of leverage that is usually lost because that’s the intent of the narcissist. So staying leveraged is the challenge and it’s not easy when the narcissist’s goal is to throw you off kilter.

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1. The Show Off: Instead of praising him or her on how extraordinary they are. Because they are looking for that feedback of being exceptional, instead Wendy T Behary suggests, thanking the N (Narcissist) in saying, “ I appreciate you making this lunch for us, it’s nice to be remembered.” Get it?

2.The Bully: They have rigid distrust in others ,worrying that someone is going to try and control them.
for example, in so many words you stand up to the N and say “ You criticism is not appreciated, I know you may be disappointed  and I know your intent is not to hurt be but you sometimes have a way of of coming across overly critical and not only is it upsetting it’s not helpful” YOU can do it!

3.The Entitled one: He or she thinks they can set up their own rules and believe they are superior.
So your friend shows up late for reservations at a restaurant, you both lose the table, and SHE is the one mad and annoyed with the manager of the restaurant. Your job is now to say, “ This is upsetting, however, it really doesn’t feel good when you are late and disregard my plans and part in this dinner plan. I know you are upset about this now, I know you are accustomed to taking charge and doing things you way but there are other people who are impacted., so let’s forget dinner and maybe we can talk about this another time” and Breathe!

4.The addictive Self –soother aka Martyr. These N’s are in a state of darkness and unknowing avoidance, unrecognized shame, and disconnect. They may appear to be workaholics. So in this case, they may be your spouse,  it this is so, the example is “ I know how important your work is and I appreciate it so much, but I miss you, it’s difficult for me to watch you push harder than necessary, therefore I must share with you my concern.” Acknowledge, state it, slate it with love and affection. Remember they are coming from a place of loneliness and isolation.

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Dana and Don, are co-founders of The Mediation and Family Counseling Group.   We can be reached at www.mediationandcounseling.com, info@mediationandcounseling.com or 1-888-281-2725.

 

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