DON’T water the WEEDS. You are in a toxic relationship if most of the time you are bickering and blaming an criticizing. What would you want to stay in a relationship that is not serving your higher being? Why would you want to water the weeds of negativity when you can water the seeds of possibility? Don’t Water the Weeds in Your Life.
We know it is difficult to make the decision to leave your marriage. But when there is so much fighting and animosity between the two of you and your children are witnesses to a deceased relationship , would you even call it a marriage. Gottman has researched couples for over 30 years and has concluded the four deadly traits of a marriage going into the gutter. He calls this the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse ( from the bible)
The four as follows; Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, Stonewalling.
When a spouse continually criticizes their spouse, it is very difficult to remove these from the dialogue, they tend to flow out of the mouth and into the heart of the one attacked. Eventually the receiver of the criticism shuts down, while shut down the love and affection between the two of you gets chipped away until it’s a little bitty nub, nothing left.
Defensiveness has a reaction is completely unproductive , you criticize, and the spouse goes, “ yeah well you’re no better, what about … blah blah blah.” This only adds fuel to the fire of destruction. Useless and no one is getting anywhere, just more frustration.
Contempt is the feeling of superiority over the other. Looking down at your spouse, calling or thinking of them as a loser, bad parent, inept… and so on. It is very difficult for the spouse to build back their dignity from under the sneering eyes of contempt. How does one even consider themselves better than the other, these are deep issues, that have been building up for a while, Contempt doesn’t develop over night.
Stonewalling, you basically shut yourself or your spouse has shut him or herself into a vault of non-communication, TILT, GAME OVER!
Dr. John and Julie Gottman are renowned experts in the field of relationships and sad as it is, once these four horseman rear their ugly heads, the only possibility is to get professional counseling with a specialist who works with couples or seek advice from a mediator.
You don’t have to live like this, there is help. http://www.mediationandcouseling.com