the Mind of an Abuser

Well, it’s not like it was a surprise that the Cruise-Holmes union is finally over. The real question is, what took her so long? Although I don’t live with them and share their private moments not that I would want to , but as a divorce mediator and family counselor I cringe whenever I see them together in photographs. The theme of their marriage according to celebrity rags was oppression and control on Mr. Cruise’s part. It appeared through the tabloids that Katie was being manipulated by Tom. His ego-centric personality would dictate and make demands masked by his religious affiliation as a Scientologist in order to back up his control. This is not uncommon.
Sadly, women and men fall victim to psychological abusive relationships every day. Statistics reveal most cases it is a woman who is prey to the male predator. Mainly, due to their traditional and primal beliefs, that women are the kinder more nurturing sex.
Abusive relationships are extremely difficult to escape from the clenches of a psycho abuser, especially when you live with them. Having them in your head 24/7 allows them the opportunity to brainwash you, destroying your self-esteem and confidence and reduce you in a way you never thought you could see yourself. How, then is a woman imprisoned? There are several factors that come into play. Generally, many women are survivors of their own mother’s victimization of domestic violence. Family of origin plays a major role. It is very important that if a child is witnessed to DV the parents should seek immediate help with a counselor. Trauma from DV from a child’s experience can remain with them and act out later in life when triggered.
Predators can come in all shapes and sizes and the prey can be of any socio- economic ethnic or educational background. The level of education nor intelligence does not factor in. A predator preys on the kindness of its victims. They pull them in as they see their kindness as weakness. Although the mystery is that the predator does not realize they are predators, which is another reason it is so difficult to leave the relationship. Trying to convince the aggressor that they are the one with the low self esteem is nearly impossible, because they truly believe it’s the victims fault. And since the victim struggles with such low self-esteem to begin with they second guess themselves, therefore, believing what the aggressor is telling them.
A couple such as Katie and Tom are not excluded from this dynamic. Even though Katie is a talented actress she can still be vulnerable to the controlling nature of someone like Tom. Tom is an A list Hollywood star, not my favorite actor in fact I think he lacks believability on film, which is so ironic that he actually has his wife convinced of what he tells her. Physical or psychological abusers are really cowards deep down, bullies taking out on others their own feelings of inadequacies. The best way to remedy a scenario such as this, is talk about it and get therapy. The abuser rarely feels they are the problem and do not seek help for themselves. It is in the best interest and preservation of the victim and the children to get support with a therapist who knows much about this area and population.
Dana Greco, LCSW

Conscious Coupling Services